Customer Dis-satisfaction Part Deux

Bad service happens, I know, and a lot of my friends are servers so I understand that shit happens. But shit can happen in a good way or a bad way.
Case #1

We're at a bar that I won't name, but it rhymes with goners. We arrived around 12:30 and ordered a beer. We frequent this place and don't recognize our server. She serves us one beer and brings the bill at 1. We're all "hey, we're drinking more, we don't want the bill." She says "Oh, sometimes people leave without paying so I thought I'd bring it just in case." Again, we frequent this bar, the other servers know us. We're not going to dash and even if we weren't regulars, she shouldn't just make that assumption. And even if she does, she shouldn't fucking tell us.

Anyway, small offense, no biggie. 2am rolls around and we have half a beer left, we've paid and tipped well. She comes by and says "If you guys aren't done your beer in a few minutes I'm going to take it from you." Not "could you finish up, we're closing", not "guys, sorry but you gotta leave soon." Not any of that. She freaking challenged us. Bad idea.

We sit around staring at our beer and the clock waiting to see what she'll do. She pops by again and I say "the bar is full, people still have beer, let us finish and we'll go." It's 2:15. She sighs and rolls her eyes then storms off. 10 minutes later, she yanks the beer from Greg, while others in the bar are still drinking.

I don't mind being asked to leave. But there's a right way and a wrong way to do it.

Case #2

(recounted perfectly by Rachelle, but I'll try anyway)

We went out for dinner at a restaurant in Chinatown that I won't name but it rhymes with Bang-guy. A couple of us were there early and it was empty. That didn't stop the server from taking her good old time to serve us. She was obviously new, so I wasn't really holding it against her. In fact, I felt for her because she seemed to be on her own with the exception of the bartender. Anyway, the night goes on and things get worse. I won't duplicate what Rachelle said, but I'll summarize in case you haven't checked her site:

• Appetizers do not get delivered
• Orders get mixed up
• It takes 30 t0 6o minutes to get drinks/apps/mains
• The server spills a beer in an entree and says "do you want me to do something about that?"
• The server, after spilling the beer says "it will taste like beer now."
• The server does not return to clear our table.
• The server does not return with our bill.
• The place fills up with people to see a strip spelling bee and the emcee says "I know people are eating and finishing up, we're doing a spelling bee so finish up." as we're begging the bartender to get us our bill so we can leave.
• The server returns, after being called by the bartender, with the bill and a plate full of fortune cookies (Rachelle put it best, and I'm paraphrasing, "It's much too late for that.")

I've never considered dining and dashing, but I felt like it would have been the right thing to do that night. No apologies from the staff, no discount, nothing.

Thankfully the nights in between at the Pump and the Murray Street were phenomenal as always. There is great service in this city, which is why bad service sticks out like a sore thumb.

Customer Dissatisfaction

There's a music shop in Ottawa that I've always despised. The first reason was its location (it's on Rideau street and hard to get to). The second reason is the service. When I first started to visit the guys wouldn't even look at me. They'd pander to the regulars and professional musicians. Fair enough. But then I got older and had some money to burn. As soon as I had money to burn they were helpful, until I had to take said thing back.

Case #1 - The Tele

I didn't return my Telecaster. I never would. But when I bought it I was told to take it in sometime in the first six months for a full tune up as the intonation and other shit I didn't know shit about would need to be adjusted. Fair enough.

So I learned about intonation and shit and one day noticed the strings rattled and didn't before. So I took it in for the free tune up. They told me it would be ready in two days and I said, "I'm out of town until next Saturday, so I'll just pick it up then." Next Saturday being a week away.

Next Saturday arrives and I show up at the store. "Sorry sir, your guitar isn't ready." OK, I'm somewhat upset, but shit happens.

"Can I have it for Thursday? That's the next jam."

"Sure."

Thursday arrives. I call at noon to make sure I can pick it up at 6. "Is she ready?"

"No, but we'll have it ready by six."

I arrive at six and they can't find it. They scurry and scrounge and I look behind the counter and say, "that's it, did you fix it?"

"Yep, sure did."

"Can I try it?" I ask, recalling the 6th string rattle.

"Sure."

"It wasn't fixed." I say.

"Hey (insert name here), did you fix the black Tele?" the guy yells to the back.

No is the response from the distance. So they fix it there while I wait, which begs the question, couldn't they have done that the first time I was there?

Case #2 - The Recorder (no, not that kind of recorder)

We record some songs we play. We have this dual input thing that plugs into a Mac (half the problem) via USB. This means that we have to play the song 3 times to get all tracks recorded. Which is fine, I think professionals even do this, but it's time consuming.

A couple of days after the holidays I'm surfing this store's website, partly because I'm a sucker for punishment, but mainly because a cute girl said she wanted a guitar. Anyway, I see this recording device similar to ours except it has 8 inputs. 8! Perfect! I call the store and they have one in stock. I ask them to hold it and they do.

Saturday arrives and I head down to the store. My machine is waiting, but I'm nervous, it's so inexpensive, like beer at a Legion. "Are you sure this will work?" I ask, "And if not, can I take it back?"

"Yes" he says.

So I cancel drinking plans with football buddies. Wait, I move my drinking plans from my football buddies to my band buddies and head to the jam space to figure it out. We can't. But we're not worried, we're smart guys, we'll figure it out.

Fast forward to next week and after finally reading the instructions, it works. Woohoo, let's go grab a drink.

Fast forward to next jam night and we can't get it to work. Fast forward to next jam night and we still can't get it to work. We then test it out direct to amplifiers and it doesn't work. So I check the receipt, it's within 30 days and I take it back.

I talk to a guy at the counter and tell him my problem and he says, "we don't have another one in stock."

"That's fine," I say, "I didn't want another one anyway, I just want my money back."

"We don't give money back." he says.

"What? Why? It's within 30 days." I say.

"Well, that'd be just like renting. Nobody gives money back like that."

"Are you serious?" I say, "Everybody gives money back."

"...."

"Everybody."

"Well, I guess we don't, but you can have store credit."

"Fine, I'm missing Lucky Ron. Gimme the credit."

So now I have store credit at a store I don't want to visit. It's about $250, exactly the price I'd pay to fill that thing full of shotgun pellets.

Why?

There's an urban legend out there about an exam question on a university exam. It was a bonus mark question that was simply "why?" The answer, according to the legend, is "why not."

I haven't been much of a blogger lately because I've become bored with writing. I was initially inspired by two things; an incident that inspired me and a friend who blogs who also inspired me. Since then I've been pissed off less and less. Hard to imagine, I know.

But something happened that killed my urge to blog. It was the question "why?" Specifically "why blog?"

I've thought long and hard about this over the last drunken 20 minutes. I've come up with four (I've changed that number numerous times) answers:

1. I want to be heard (i.e., I'm vain).
2. I want to educate.
3. I want to entertain.
4. It's cathartic.

The truth, as always, lies somewhere in between. No, wait, they're all true.

I do want to be heard. I want you to hear what I have to say, otherwise I'd just think these thoughts and carry on.

I want to educate. I hope to teach you things like "don't bike on the sidewalk."

I want to entertain. I can't say for certain that I do, but if you're here again, I can't help but think I do.

It is cathartic. I type this shit that I hope you read (i.e., to fulfill my need to be heard), that will educate you (that's up to you), and that is entertaining (I hope I didn't fail) and it feels good. I need to get this shit out. If you spend time with me, and I'm sure my 20 readers do, you know I'm opinionated. I need to tell it like I see it and this is a way to get it out without pissing you off face to face (not that I don't anyway). And after I type it, I won't bring it up in person and get into stupid arguments like why singing the national anthem at sporting events is stupid.

I want to blog more and I hope I do. But the "why?" still haunts me. I started out having fun with it and kept trying to one-up each post. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I don't' have to be better with each post. Maybe I just have to do it to feel better or to get shit out. Or, most likely, I'm drunk and I shouldn't be sitting in front of this keyboard right now.

Failure to Launch

A giant Ipod touch with a data plan or a giant Iphone with no phone. That's what Apple unveiled as their tablet, the Ipad. Ignoring the obvious, and already trying too hard jokes, about the name, Apple underwhelmed me and others today.

Gizmodo has a great post about the disappointments with the Ipad's capabilities. My buddy G had a great blog post about Apple potentially missing the boat (and they did) with the Ipad's functionality. It appears to me that Apple is happy producing an entertainment device. I won't go into detail as you can read Gizmodo's post or G's post for the details. But what gets me is Apple's apparent ignorance (hubris perhaps) to what it needs to fix with respect to its handheld system; multitasking.

You can say what you will about a physical vs touch keyboard or a typical OS file structure, I don't see either as an issue with respect to the Iphone or Ipad. You can get used to the touch keyboard and I actually prefer the lack of a visible folder structure (you don't see folders, you just access the files needed through an app's gui). But the lack of multitasking is beyond me, especially with the Ipad.

I assume that Apple's main competition here are net books; small, media focused laptops. You can multitask on net books, search the net while playing a game or writing an email. If you've paid attention you've heard the lack of multitasking gripe from Apple devotees and Apple haters alike. Yet Apple has seemingly ignored the issue. This is a functionality that should be commonplace on any computing device, even smart phones (as I type this on my Blackberry I switch with ease without saving or closing my memo application to check email, scores, twitter and other applications that are running concurrently).

It reminds me of an issue with Itunes. I've heard many Apple devotees state the reason the Ipod is king of the MP3 players is the ease of use and functionality of Itunes. I disagree. While Itunes is not difficult to use, it's not the simplest media management tool and lacks an important feature that other media management software have; the ability to monitor folders and automatically add new files to its library. The idea seems so simple and mandatory, yet it is nonexistent in Itunes.

Apple is a great manufacturer of entertainment devices, I love my Ipod and would rather have an Iphone than my Blackberry, but they could be better and if they didn't have the hip cachet they wouldn't be doing as well as they are. There are better MP3 players, better smartphones, better software, and better computing devices available for better prices. At some point they'll be forced to pay attention and give us what we need.

Also, check out G's new post at the Luddite Times. He properly spells Apple's iLine of products and is an Apple devotee who isn't sold.

Defending the HST

So a lot of people out there are telling you that the Ontario and BC governments are raising your taxes. How you ask? The HST they tell you. Your (un)friendly neighbourhood curmudgeon is here to tell you otherwise. The HST will save businesses money. The HST will increase investment in Ontario and BC. The HST should drive consumer prices down overall.

First, a bit of a history lesson. The Ontario and BC governments announced plans to harmonize their provincial sales taxes with the federal goods and services tax to create a combined tax; the harmonized sales tax (HST). Everyone panicked and got all up in arms thinking the price of goods and services in Ontario and BC will go up. These people are ignoring the fact that harmonization already happened in New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland and Labrador, and Quebec. And the overall consumer prices in those provinces are no worse off than they were before. A study by Michael Smart for the CD Howe Institute suggests otherwise; consumer prices fell. But most people west of Quebec fail to recognize there is anything east of Ottawa and began to create anxiety with wild stories of tax hikes and Armageddon.

The truth is the HST is going to be good for all of you. First, the cost of doing business in Ontario and British Columbia is going way down. Business owners currently pay 8% PST in Ontario and 7% PST in BC on items consumed in operating their business; generally anything that is not directly resold or further processed or manufactured. That 8% and 7% is not currently recoverable. Post harmonization, the PST going away and is being replaced, for the most part, by the fully recoverable HST. Most businesses will pay a combined 13% or 12% and will be entitled to an equal and offsetting credit. That means there will no longer be any unrecoverable sales taxes payable by businesses. So, businesses save money.

The tax savings realized by business will lead to more investment. With more money in hand, businesses will be able to invest more in new technology and new people. We will all benefit. It's the trickle down effect, the money businesses save and invest lead to more money for other businesses and that trickles down to me and you (hopefully more to me).

It is true that consumers will initially pay more direct sales tax than we currently do as things like houses and services are subject to tax at 13% in Ontario or 12% in BC rather than the current 5% GST rate. However, those houses and services have an indirect tax component (the 8% PST in Ontario and the 7% in BC) that we currently don't see, so the true tax increase is probably more like 2% (based on a study performed a long time ago in NFLD that I cannot share with you). That indirect tax is removed and, provided vendors pass those savings along, the true impact won't be that bad.

Now there are problems, of course, like charities, colleges, universities, hospitals, etc. will pay more taxes and they generally don't recover the HST they pay in the same way as ordinary businesses. I've studied the impact on a few of these organizations and found that, due to a gracious HST rebate mechanism, they will in fact be better off. This may not be true for all, granted, but I assume that the Province will provide additional funding for those organizations that it is required to fund.

I haven't gone into hardly any detail here (BTW, this is my area of expertise), but I hope to make two points to all of you. 1) it's all going to be OK, in fact, it will probably be better after the first few years; and 2) if you run a business, pass those Ontario PST savings along. This is crucial to all of us.

One final point on whether or not the HST is a tax hike. Ontario and BC are losing their PSTs; the HST is a federal tax. While there is a complicated formula that creates a transfer payment from Canada to Ontario and BC, the truth is, harmonization will result in Ontario and BC collecting less tax, even with the transfer payment. This is not a tax hike folks, it is a reduction in overall taxes collected. Look it up, it's in the Ontario budget papers. The reason to harmonize it is to increase investment in the provinces and make the provinces more competitive in the global marketplace.

Now, sit back and relax. It's going to be OK. The world didn't end in the Atlantic Provinces and Quebec and it's not going to end in Ontario and BC.

Halifax Trip

I've been really bad at posting lately. I'd like to say it's because I'm busy, but that'd be a lie. I just haven't been annoyed that much recently. Sure there are a few things here and there, but nothing that makes me want to go off on somebody or something. I am working on a continuing series of rants and I have the ideas in my head, I'm just having a hard time putting pen to paper.

Anyway, enough with the excuses. This post has a very small curmudgeon quotient but I had to share a few things with you from my trip to Halifax this weekend. It was my cousin Dr. DJ AA's stag party. We went fishing, played poker and drank copious amounts of Propeller Pumphouse SOB (highly recommended). I have nothing bad to say about the event at all, though losing to SOB Dr. DJ AA with A-A-6-6-J to A-A-6-6-K spoiled the night until the next shot of Occidental.

What I want to share with you is two of the craziest things I've ever seen at an airport and a warning about travelling. Dr. DJ AA (it may in fact be DJ Dr. AA, I'll have to ask him) was dropping me off at 10:30 am in the morning. I opened the door and got out of the Caravan (or Voyager, again I'll have to ask) and see a man standing just beside the van with his back to the airport wall. He looks like any other business traveller in Halifax; khaki pants, dress shirt, windbreaker coat folded over his arm, and luggage. Just as I step onto the pavement and am about to turn around to open the back door of the van I hear that distinctive psst sound of a beer cap twisting off a bottle. Then this typical business man begins to down a full bottle of Moosehead (green). I immediately hear Dr. DJ AA begin to laugh and I say "did you just see that" and he says "yep." Crazy. I can't believe I saw that. I realize it's not that hard to believe, but if you had seen it and just realized how business like this guys looked, you wouldn't believe it either. He was all business about getting that St. Saint John brewed lager into him too.

So I'm in the Halifax airport waiting in the security line and about to send a message about this crazy thing I saw when I see another crazy thing. I see a woman, likely in her 50s, walking to the security check. She looks like a business traveller as well. I notice she is pulling her wheeled luggage and see something sparkle. I check out the luggage and the thing has chrome wheels. I'm talking Xzibit pimp my ride chrome wheels. The chorus of "One of these things is not like the other" immediately chimes in my head.

Now for your travel advisory warning. You know when you are leaving a hotel room and you get that feeling that you left something behind. Do not just think "ah, it's nothing, if I did it's likely toothpaste." It could be your Ipod. You could have to call the hotel and arrange for someone to pick it up and send it back to you. You could have to pay what I like to call "the dumb-ass tax."

I hope your weekend was as good as mine.

Ottawa Does it Again

Since I moved into my new apartment in June of 2008, summer's have been a mess. The city of Ottawa has been renovating Bank Street, tearing out the old street, fixing whatever is wrong underneath and then repaving. It's created a mess of dust and a foul stench during the hot days of summer.

This summer the city added a new wrinkle. You can no longer access Bank street from Lewis because Lewis is a one way street. To allow those folks who can only leave their houses from Lewis to legally drive to the next intersection the city temporarily made Lewis a two way street. It's a bit of an annoyance since the street is not built for two way traffic, but there isn't really a ton of traffic on the street and I walk or bike most places anyhow.

Today I read this article in the Ottawa Citizen. The city is fining people who park on Lewis facing west, which is the ordinary direction traffic flows when the street is a one way street. People are steaming and I don't blame them.

I'm going to sound like I'm mimicking the article's author, but that's because I fully agree with Hugh. Because of the reconstruction project Bank street businesses are hurting. If you fine people who decide to deal with the annoyance of walking down a dirt sidewalk to shop at the Herb and Spice store or grab a pint at the James Street Pub for facing the wrong direction in a parking spot, a wrong direction that is ordinarily the right direction, you are going to make people think twice about heading to Bank street. It's already a mess and a pain in the ass to navigate around. Adding a $35 fine is just the cherry on top.

I've had issues with Ottawa parking police in the past. I've fought every ticket and won each fight. I think it's because they are generally over-agressive. But this story just takes the cake.

Great job Ottawa. Way to help out the Bank street businesses.

Easy Target

These were the top two headlines for the Report on Business Section on the front page of theglobeandmail.com when I checked in after lunch on Tuesday:

• BMO profit rises to $557-million; and


• Number of EI recipients rises in June.

BMO's profits are up 6.9% from a year ago and have more than recovered from a drop that began in the fall. In contrast, there has been a 73% increase in EI recipients over the past year, the largest annual gain since the early 1980s.

Thank God the banks are doing well. I was really worried about them.

I know banks are easy targets and the goal in a capitalist society is to increase profits, but to see bank profits rise while more people are on pogie really irks me. Especially given the ridiculous fees banks charge their customers for the right to access their own money. There was a time when banks earned money by lending the money you kept in your account with them. Their profits were based on interest rates. Now banks make money charging you $10 a month for an account plus $1.50 per transaction at ABMs, Interact machines, etc. and even more if you go to the wrong bank.

They used to say there are two guarantees in life; death and taxes. I submit there are three; death, taxes and banks making money.

Whatever Happened to Customer Service?

I've spent the past week plus trying to get my wireless smart phone up and running. Most of the trouble I've had can be traced to my service provider. I won't name them, but they provide me with my cable, Internet and wireless service. The astute among you will be able to figure it out.

The story begins on July 25, 2008, the day my cell phone stopped working. I had a Motorola Razor and I was quite happy with it. But all of a sudden, the screen stopped working. It just stayed black. While I could still use the phone to call people, I had no idea how to call people since most of my contact list is not committed to memory. So I had to replace the phone.

This all happened at the time when the IPhone was released so I thought I'd try my hand at one of those spiffy devices. My friend had one and I liked it a lot. I was due for an upgrade through my service provider and asked about the potential of getting the IPhone and the right to pay my service provider an extra $30 per month for a data plan.

"You're on the corporate plan." says the service rep.

"Oh yea," I say, "well I don't work for that employer any more, but whatever."

"Well," says the rep "because you are on the corporate plan you can't get the IPhone for the stated price. You have to pay $699."

"Then take me off the corporate plan." I say.

"Well, then it's like you are starting a new plan and aren't eligible for an upgrade and you'd still have to pay $699." says the rep.

"What?" I ask. "You mean that some homeless guy off the street can get the IPhone for $199 or whatever and I can't?"

"Um, yea."

At this point I'm getting frustrated. "What is the benefit of the corporate plan?" I ask.

"You get a better voice plan." says the rep.

I settle for another Razor. It had treated me well and I wasn't in the mood to fight with some guy that had little power or desire to help me anyhow. The phone cost me $20 and a 3 year commitment. Fast forward 1 year plus 1 week or so later and my Razor dies again. Same problem.

"I'm going to the service provider today and they are giving me a free phone and they are not making me sign an extended contract." I proudly proclaimed to my colleague. So I traipse down to my service providers' nearest location and ask for a free phone. Of course I get a lot of resistance, even though I've been a customer for 10 years and pay them more than $200 a month. After much back and forth I learn that they can do nothing for me unless I sign up for another 3 year plan. I can get a free phone if I want.

"But the phone is only a year old." I complain.

"Yea, but the warranty expired last week." is the response. At this point that I'm upset, but I can see there is no sense in arguing with this guy. Again, he has no power and he doesn't care. He's more interested in the girls walking down the street that he can see through the window. So, I settle for a free phone with the shortest contract commitment possible (which also happened to be the longest; 3 years).

I had the phone about 18 hours when I decided it was not the phone for me. I don't have a land line and since I use it all the time, I figured I should like my phone a lot. I convinced myself it was time to upgrade to a smart phone. So I go back to the service provider to see if the IPhone deals are any better for me since they have a $99 price point now. I knew I would get the same story, because I'm still on the corporate plan, but didn't see any harm in trying. So, I ask if I get can the IPhone for $99.

"Of course." replies the rep. "You should too. You'll love it." So he starts the process of setting me up on the IPhone. He's going through the system, typing away and asking me questions. I'm starting to think this is going to work. All of a sudden he makes a funny sound like he's not sure what's going on.

"Oh" he says, "you're on the corporate plan." He then explains that the cost 0f the IPhone for me is now $400 (a nice drop from $699). I ask about the Blackberry and they are roughly the same price. Essentially, I have to pay $300 more for an IPhone or $100 more for a Blackberry than somebody they have no history with. I even say this and he doesn't seem to care too much.

I ask again, "what is the benefit of being on this corporate plan?"

"Well, you own the phone." was the response this time. Now I've been a client of this service provider for some time and so is half of Ontario (or more). Everyone that buys a phone and signs up for a contract owns the phone. I explain this and the guy just looks at me like I explained the Pythagorean theorem to him in Mandarin.

"OK, get me off the corporate plan!" I demand.

"Sure." he says. He goes through the motions of taking me off the plan but stops.

"Um, you know the price of the phones won't change for you because we don't have any history of you.". I had heard this the previous year.

"OK, then cancel my plan altogether, I'm going somewhere else." I say thinking I'll trick them into bending over for me and pleasing the customer.

"Sure." he says, "but you'll have to pay us $20 for every month you committed too and didn't honour, about $460."

I'm losing my will to fight at this point.

"Fine." I say, "Keep me on the corporate plan and get me a Blackberry."

I decided to bend over, drop my pants and pay the extra $100 for the Blackberry. I chose the Blackberry because my employer does not support the IPhone and I wouldn't be able to receive work related messages. In retrospect this doesn't seem like the most logical decision making process. Do I really want work related e-mail messages?

"We don't have the model you want in stock today." he says. "But it will be here tomorrow. We'll set you up on a loaner phone and get you into the Blackberry tomorrow night."

I go to my IT department to make sure the model I'm getting is kosher with the network and all that jazz. They tell me I need to make sure I'm on the enterprise data plan and not the Internet data plan. I ask if they will know what I'm referring to and they assure me this happens all the time and my service provider should be well aware of the enterprise data plan.

So I go back to the service provider's location and I tell the rep that I need to be on an enterprise data plan, not the ordinary Internet data plan. I get the same blank look as the night before (remember, Pythagorean + Mandarin = dumb).

"There are two types of plans." I explain. "My employer only supports one. So if I want to get my work e-mail, I need the enterprise plan."

"All of our plans support enterprise." is the response. In fact, the rep went on to say "We're not (insert name of competition here)." He was being very indignant about the competition and bragging about his employer. He could tell I wasn't buying it and apologized. So he signs me up for a data plan.

I go to work the next day and install the necessary software and passwords so I can get my work e-mail linked with the Blackberry but it doesn't work. "You have the Internet data plan." my IT colleague tells me.

"Of course I do." I say. At this point I'm not surprised at all. I call the service provider to have the plan changed. I was on a 750MB a month plan, with no charge for overages for the first two months and an option to upgrade to 6GB per month for $30.

"You can't have the plan you initially purchased on the enterprise package." the service provider tells me. "Your choices are 7MB per month for $40 or 1GB per month for $45." "Also, you need to change your voice plan and addons like voicemail and texting." Essentially, my wireless bill is going up by $50 instead of the estimated $30 because of this corporate plan.

"OK, fine." I say. I'm getting used to being screwed over by now. "But wait, you mean 700MB per month right?"

"No, it is 7MB or 1GB for an extra $5." she says, which leaves me wondering who would get a 7MB data plan.

"OK, gimme the 1GB. And by the way, what is the benefit of this corporate plan again?"

"I don't know." This was the first honest answer I've had from any representative of the service provider.

My phone is working now, but I feel like Jody Foster in The Accused and I'm left with the following questions:

1. When did big companies stop caring about their customers? I have been a customer of theirs for 10 years and spend over $200 a month and they couldn't give me one damn free phone. I'd have settled for any piece of crap that dials and rings when its called (at first anyway).
   
2. Why don't the service reps know what they are talking about? They thought I could get an IPhone at a normal price and couldn't. They didn't know about the enterprise vs Internet data plan issue even after I told them about it.
3. Why do they offer these special plans that just cost you more money? I save $10 a month on a voice plan but have to pay $15 a month more for data, plus more for texting and voicemail, and $100 more for hardware. Hardly seems like a deal to me.

I've spoken to many friends and colleagues who are having the same issues their service providers. Even the service providers with different names have the same lack of service. Until Canada gets a real competitive market in telecommunications everyone better stock up on KY jelly.

What Does It Take to Fire a Guy

I'm delving into uncharted territory here. I'm going to discuss something I know little about and I'm admitting it.

Alex Rios was claimed off waivers by the Chicago White Sox today essentially taking him off the books of the Blow Jerks and saving them $60 gazillion dollars or something like that.

I'm no fan of the Blow Jerks or boreball but I casually follow it (read I watch the Toronto Sports Network and have to follow it). So this JP Ricciardi guy has been managing the Blow Jerks for some time now and was supposed to bring in moneyball (some sort of state lottery I think). Rather he brought in spend money and drop ball.

According to some blogger on the Toronto Sports Network he wasted money on Frank Thomas, BJ Ryan, AJ Burnett, Vernon Wells, and now is losing Alex "His name is Rios and he dances in the sand" for nothing. How do you lose a player who is under contract for nothing these days? Couldn't they at least have traded him for Ozzie Guillen's goatee or a hat?

Maybe the better question is how is it that Ricciardi still has a job in Toronto?

Sometimes I Hate Ottawa

This city can get me pretty riled up when I think about how stupid it is. Check out this article in the Ottawa Citizen. I'll summarize for the lazy reader:

The city bylaw officers told the owner of a gallery and cafe to remove a small table and two chairs that were on the sidewalk. The owner didn't have a permit to have the table and chairs on the sidewalk.

First, it seems silly that you need a permit for a tiny table and two chairs, but I understand bureaucracy (well, I understand it exists anyway). But in my mind it's really just city authority figures flexing their muscles; city authority figures love to flex their muscles, from parking attendants to city police who really wanted to be in the RCMP but didn't have the grades. They could have left a single table and set of chairs on the sidewalk in the market where 21 year olds frequently vomit from partying too much at 5pm on a Saturday (true story, had to walk around it).

Second, the city of Ottawa's tourism calendar used a photo of the table and chairs sitting on the sidewalk. The city is removing something it uses to promote itself. City to tourists "Come to Ottawa, we have these nice tables outside of our bistros." City to bistro owners "you got a permit for that table? No? Better put that back inside."

This isn't the first time the city made itself look stupid. Just last week KISS were visiting as part of bluesfest. The "acting mayor" (our "elected" mayor is on trial for influence peddling) announced plans to have a Shannon Tweed day in your capital city. Ms. Tweed was Miss Ottawa Valley 1977, so there is a tenuous connection to Bytowne. Well the acting mayor spoke too soon as several councillors objected to Shannon Tweed day feeling she was not worthy because of her, umm, unsavoury acting choices. Nice move boneheads. Did you not realize that Ms. Tweed and her husband star in a reality show? Did you not think for a second that this would be a great hook for an episode? And how did you feel when Oshawa announced they'd roll out the red carpet and proclaim a Shannon Tweed day? Silly I bet.

My final gripe to speak of today (as I have many with this large town we call a city) is with its inhabitants, particularly those that live in the Glebe. The Glebe is a trendyish part of town and happens to be the location of the Lansdowne Park and Frank Clair Stadium. The folks living in the Glebe (we'll call them Glebites) aren't generally fond of the park and the stadium. Well, that's not entirely true, they like the park just fine on Sundays when the farmers market is open. What they don't like is lively crowds at football games or Rolling Stones Concerts.

These Glebites really get my goat. Lansdowne Park has been holding exhibits since 1868. Football (rugby) began being played at Lansdowne in 1878. You've been alive for how long? Didn't it ever occur to you before moving into a house near Lansdowne Park that there may be a crowd from time to time? I mean, it's been there for more than 230 years, there have been crowds there for more than 230 years. Maybe the local farmers weren't as loud as the Stones (we should ask Keith), but I'll bet 230 years ago the farming exhibit and rugby were the only attractions in town and had their fair share of loud and unruly folk.

Ottawa is known to have a bit of an inferiority complex. It thinks other cities like Toronto and Montreal, look down on them. They feel like their not a real city. Well, they do look down on us and we are not a real city and it's all your fault.

Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking

I've been out of the real world for the past week and a half attending bluesfest. I was alerted to this report by my friend Siobhan. Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan Chase reported huge profits for the past quarter, less than a year after taking US taxpayer dollars to ensure their viability. The bailout numbers are staggering and are even hard to comprehend to someone who deals in 7 to 9 figures every day (not my own):

• Goldman Sachs received $13,000,000,000; and
  
• JP Morgan Chase received $25,000,000,000.

Not only did the US government provide the above aid to the financial institutions, they guaranteed the "toxic assets" held by the institutions. The toxic assets are essentially the loans that they, or other banks, made to people who couldn't afford to pay them back for overvalued homes.

Now, just a few short months later, each of the above banks is showing a profit for the last two quarters, as follows;

• Goldman Sachs - $1,800,000,000 and $3,440,000,000 for a total of $5,240,000,000; and
  
• JP Morgan Chase - $2,000,000,000 and $2,720,000,000 for a total of $4,720,000,000.

The banks that needed the bailout money so badly to ensure their viability turned a profit in just 8 months, which begs the question "did they really need the money?" Probably not, but the question that is baffling me right now is "where's the outrage?" Aside from some jokes from Letterman, Stewart and the rest of the late night gang, there's little to no reaction from the American public. What gives Yankees? Don't you care about how your government spends your money? Do you even know what's going on or are you too busy watching Lance Armstrong in a race you only care about because Lance Armstrong is in it?

I started this column wanting to complain about the banks in the US for pulling the wool over the eyes of the public and just being the dirty, rotten, filthy, stinking rich pigs they have always been. But now I think the public is dirty, rotten, filthy, stinkingly apathetic and if you keep letting them get away with it then you deserve it.

Are You Smarter Than Malcolm Gladwell?

I recently saw Malcolm Gladwell live at the National Arts Centre. We weren't sure what to expect, but when we took our seats you could see two chairs at centre stage. This immediately told me that it would be an interview.

The CEO for The United Way introduced us to Mr. Gladwell and Mark Sutcliffe, an Ottawa Citizen columnist who would be conducting the interview. The interview was fine, the show was fine. It was nothing mind blowing and really nothing new if you've read Mr. Gladwell's books or his articles in the New Yorker (I haven't, but the CBC radio guys love him so much I feel like I have). At the end of the interview, the CEO for The United Way said a few more words. I'm always surprised when CEOs, presidents, and other people of power in organizations cannot speak in public. This guy was horrible. My friend thinks it likely had to do with the fact that he was reading from notes prepared by someone else. I understand that, but still, it was really uncomfortable watching him and took the whole thing off the rails.

The major theme of the interview was a subject that had recently come up in various forms during discussions with some of my friends; innate talent or skill versus hard work. There are varying ways to frame this theme, like street smart versus book smart, left brain versus right brain, etc. The main point that Mr. Gladwell made was that you need two things to succeed and they have little to do with innate ability, skill, or talent. You need to work hard and you need an opportunity or luck.

Mr. Gladwell had numerous examples of this, such as:

• Tiger Woods has been golfing since he was 3 and had a dad who loved golf with him and supported him through a love of golf (hard work and opportunity);
  

• Dale Carnegie worked hard and was born in the best time of the world to get rich (1935) through the industrial revolution (hard work and luck); and


• Bill Gates worked hard and was born in the best time of the world to get rich in Silicon Valley (hard work and luck).

(A quick aside. Mr. Gladwell doesn't believe in self-made individuals. He thinks that everyone is shaped by their past and their ancestors. He used the extreme example of Jeb Bush. While campaigning in Florida, Jeb Bush positioned himself as the self-made man. The crowd laughed, the son of a former President of the United States is not a self-made man. But, Mr. Gladwell pointed out, the Floridians bought it.)

I agree to an extent with Mr. Gladwell. I've always thought that anyone with a certain degree of aptitude (see below) can learn to do anything they want with enough hard work, practice, study time, etc. I'm good at math, but I'm sure if I studied enough I could excel at physics, computer science, or psychology. I'm not very good at golf, but I'm sure if I practiced everyday that I could become a good golfer.

I think this extends into other areas as well, such as art and creativity. I'm not an artistic type, I'm a math guy (left brain vs. right brain) but I believe that if I studied an art (let's say I wanted to learn about painting) I could learn the history, the techniques, etc. and become a good artist.

For some, the reason they don't excel at school is the way they are taught. They may not be built to learn the same way as their classmates. Mr. Gladwell spoke of how we are all treated the same way in modern society, which seems intrinsically fair, but isn't. I am culturally different than you and may require different treatment, in particular in the way I learn.

This is best illustrated by comparing people that are street smart or book smart. You know the street smart type, they didn't get very good grades in school but they seem to be well versed in life skills. The street smart person can read body language well, is good at spotting scams, may be good at conning people or picking up girls/guys.

On the other end there's the book smart type. This person always had good grades, is good at math, sciences or some other difficult subject, but is naive and easily conned. He or she is not street smart.

Both street smart and book smart people are smart. Also, I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. The difference is the subject matter and perhaps how the knowledge was accumulated. A book smart person can gather the street smart person's knowledge, though it generally doesn't come from a book. The book smart person may have to learn how to gather that knowledge. The street smart person can learn math or physics, they just have to put the time and effort into the learning process or find the right way for them to soak up the information. Reading a book may not be the best method for them to learn.

Where I disagree with Mr. Gladwell is the importance of aptitude or ability. I think you need a certain degree of innate ability or talent to become exceptional. Using Mr. Gladwell's example of Tiger Woods, I'm sure if I golfed everyday since I was 3 that I'd be a much better golfer than I am today (I am not very good). But I don't know that I'd be as good as Tiger Woods.

There are people who are exceptionally built or wired for what they do that allows them to excel in certain endeavours. I remember reading an article about Michael Phelps during the Summer Olympics and a swim expert said something like "if you wanted to build the perfect human to be a swimmer, you'd build Michael Phelps".

While I don't necessarily disagree with Mr. Gladwell's view that hard work can help you succeed, I think he understated the value of aptitude. I think you need some skill to succeed. I previously posted about how the world is full of stupid people. I sort of believe that, but I think maybe the world is full of people that do stupid things. People are generally smarter than they give themselves credit for. If they only put in the effort, they could learn new things or get better at golf. However, there are people who are better equipped to do a certain thing than others. And there are stupid people. I don't think a stupid person can be taught integral calculus. Put simply, stupid people can't become smart with hard work.

Me Fail English? Quick Follow Up

There are correct and incorrect ways to pronounce the following words:

• aunt;
• scallops;
• iron; and
  
• tournament.
  

Aunt is not pronounced in such a way to confuse the word with an insect. It is pronounced the same way as haunt, gaunt, and taunt.

Scallops is pronounced the way Maritime fishermen who gather them for you pronounce it; the same way you pronounce mall, stall or ball.

Iron has 2 syllables. I and ron. My friends say I pronounce it like I Ron, but they're just stupid. It is not I-earn; the O is there for a reason.

Tour. Nament. Tour. Nament. Tour nament. Tournament. Not Ternament.

Me Fail English? That's Unpossible

I love me my Ralph Wiggum and couldn't wait to use a Wiggism in a post. This post is a bit of an old gripe to those of you who know me. I've even tweeted about it a bit. What grinds my gears today is the misuse of vocabulary in the English language (I'm staying away from grammar since bad grammar is something I will put up with).

There are three general vocabulary mistakes that irk me:

1. using words that don't exist;
2. malapropisms; and
3. 10 cent words.

I'm going to go into a bit more detail about each, but I'd also like you to contribute any you've come across by posting a comment. I'll add each to the list below. I've heard so many that I've forgotten many of them.

Words that Don't Exist

This first category is my favourite (if you can have a favourite irk). I have more examples of this error than of the rest. It all started a few years ago when I was chatting with a colleague. Said colleague was partially responsible for reviewing documents prior to sending the documents out to the world. She said:

The quality of the writing here is marginable at best.

I wanted to say to her that the quality would improve if we had people reviewing documents who had more than a marginal understanding of English. Since that day I've had numerous discussions with friends and the practice of using words that do not exist is more common than you think.

The following is a list of real world examples (I've left out George W. Bush, too easy):

• I want to politefully tell this person they are wrong.
• I ran out of money, subsequentially I could not buy the goods.
• Irregardless of the rules, I want to use that word (note, it does show up in dictionaries now, but by sheer force of its use rather than it being a word).
• I think Argentinia is going to win the game.
• He is supposably the best in the world.
  

Malapropisms

These ones are fun and probably the most common. Somebody says something that is a word that generally sounds like what they are trying to say but isn't correct. The most common example being "for all intensive purposes" instead of "for all intents and purposes".
Again, here are some real world example:

• The pain is decapitating (this one makes me laugh every time I hear it).
• Take a moment to flush out your ideas (should be flesh).
• Revert back (to revert is to go back, the use of back is redundant).

10 Cent Words

10 cent words are words that do exist, but the reason for their existence appears solely to annoy me. For example, there is never a situation where you can't substitute the word use for utilize. Why would you ever use utilize? I don't come across these often, but there are two others that I hear almost daily: in respect of and with respect to. Can't we just say of, or about?

• Acclimatized (just use acclimated, you're driving AA crazy).

People who use words that don't exist, malapropisms and 10 cent words are probably trying to sound intelligent. Your vocabulary doesn't make you sound more intelligent, your ideas do. But your vocabulary can make you sound stupid.

The Most Important Lesson I've Ever Learned

It was 1996, I was in my third year of university and MuchMusic was still playing videos (yea kids, MuchMusic used to play music videos, you didn't have to use YouTube). A single from a band called the Refreshments was in heavy rotation. That single, "Banditos", taught me the most important thing I've ever learned: the world is full of stupid people.

For example, it's 19 degrees Celsius, there's a 4 km/h wind, it's a beautiful day for a bike ride. So you hop on your bike and head where? Well to the bike path of course. The bike path is very much like a road or a highway. It is paved, it has a yellow line running down the middle and people always stay on the right hand side of the yellow line. Seems pretty straight forward, just like in a car right? But, the world is full of stupid people. So you see things like man on bike on left side of yellow line heading straight toward you, which in and of itself isn't so bad but man on bike on left side of yellow line is looking backwards talking to his friends while biking forward.

You don't have to be a cyclist (or whatever cyclists call me) to appreciate that the world is full of stupid people. If you have a car, take a drive to your local big box store shopping mall. Drive around in the parking lot using the ordinary rules of the road (signal lights, stay on the right hand side, pedestrians have the right of way, and so on). It won't take you too long to figure out that the world is full of stupid people.

If you don't have a car, head to a shopping mall during a busy time of year, particularly Christmas (yea, Christmas, F You! holiday season). Walk though that crowd long enough and you'll find people stopping mid-stride and causing train wrecks of rushed shoppers. If you're lucky, you'll see a gang of people congregating right at the bottom of an escalator or at the door of an elevator (The Luddite Times has a great elevator suggestion).

Don't think that I'm immune from the stupid virus. I erased my entire hard drive when I tried to reformat a single partition. I didn't read what the screen was telling me and wiped the wrong one. I also didn't pack my trunk properly and busted a tasty bottle of Beaus Beaver River. The world is full of stupid people. I'm sure you all have a few stupid people stories about other people and about yourself.

Why is this lesson so important you ask? The main reason this lesson is so important is that if you ever need to predict the behaviour of a person (whether you are biking and there is a person ahead of you or coming towards you, in a parking lot, walking in a mall, or doing anything else that requires you to predict another's behaviour) you'll be safe to assume that person is stupid and take the appropriate course of action.

Now I'm going to wrap this post up back where I started. I'm not sure if this is ironic or not, I'd ask Alanis Morisette, but she's stupid. The Refreshments went on to record the King of the Hill theme song, an animated tv show about a man and his family dealing with various stupid people in Arlen, Texas (see Gribble, Dale; Platter, Luane; Dauterive, Bill; and Lucky).

Bailout Schmailout

The federal government and government of Ontario announced plans to bailout General Motors yesterday. This isn’t really news, but the structure of it is. The federal and Ontario governments will receive preferred and common shares in a recapitalized GM. Essentially, you, as a taxpayer, are buying GM stock. How do you like them apples? I bet none of you would personally invest money in GM. At least you won’t have to pay any transaction fees.

Ontario Finance Minister Dwight Duncan is optimistic of GM’s future after the company files for bankruptcy. It will be a restructured organization, out from under much of its debt and better prepared for the future. A lean, mean, gas guzzler producing machine.

The future!?!? The future is flying Deloreans that run on banana peels and garbage, clothes that dry themselves, self-extending baseball bats, and floating skateboards, not more Hummers that burn more gas and oil than a 747. Bailing out the auto industry is a complicated issue, more complex than I can handle, but I have a grasp on it. Lots of people work at GM or work for companies that supply parts to GM. These people shop at stores where other people work. If GM fails then jobs are lost, people stop shopping at these stores and more jobs are lost. It’s the trickle down effect. So I can understand why the government would want to keep GM floating; to keep Canadians employed and money flowing. Some jobs may be lost as a result of restructuring, but not all of them.

But I don’t understand why the government wants to keep people employed with GM? I don't care if GM is better equipped to handle the future, I want a Canada that is better equipped to handle the future. Why not invest in other technologies that will create other jobs for the displaced employees? Invest in new technologies. Hell, the nickel used to make the hybrid batteries is mined in Sudbury, why not invest in a hybrid battery plant. Invest in some technology I haven’t heard of, maybe algae batteries or Ipod Thinks (you don’t even have to touch them).

Sure, some jobs will be lost as some displaced workers may not be relocated, but isn’t that the same scenario as above. The result is the same except instead of having people employed at a factory that produces old technologies and cars that are losing market share to foreign vehicles we have people employed in new technology factories, factories that could bring Canada to the forefront of the modern manufacturing world.

But no, the future, according to our leaders, is the same as the past, except now you have a stake in it. I’m going to make a bold prediction about this future. We’ll come out of this recession sometime. And In 10 years or so after that there will be another recession. We’ll come out of that one too and the cycle will continue. That’s the way economies works.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe GM will invest in new technologies and both GM and Canada will be better equipped for the future. But GM had plenty of time to do that before and didn’t until they were forced to react to Toyota and other forward thinking auto makers. Instead they produced gas guzzling SUVs and trucks to keep profits high. Maybe they will, but I’d sooner invest in flying Deloreans that run on banana peels and garbage, clothes that dry themselves, self-extending baseball bats, and floating skateboards.


Update: I just read the paper and the following quote is from the Globe and Mail:

At General Motors of Canada Ltd. alone, the rescue package could amount to a staggering $1.4-million for every job saved, with no guarantee that the bailout will ensure the long-term survival of the company's remaining auto assembly and engine plants.

Update #2: Most of the loan won't be repaid.