It's About Time

Dick Jauron was fired as head coach of the Buffalo "We'll be in Toronto Soon and the Curmudgeon Will Not Have a Favourite Team" Bills. Jauron's record as head coach of the Bills was 24 wins and 33 losses.

If you don't know who Jauron is, he's the coach who stands motionless and emotionless on the sidelines while your team gets an easy win. That is unless your team is St. Louis, Detroit, Cleveland, Tampa Bay, or another bottom feeder. He's also the guy that looks like a shorter, skinnier version of Lurch. Basically like he's already been embalmed (come to think of it, he and Ralph Wilson have a lot in common).

What amazes me most about the story is that Jauron didn't see the firing coming. Four years to improve a football team and 4 years without passing 7 wins out of a 16 game season. Four years without improving an offense even after adding one of the best wide receivers of this era. Maybe that explains why he couldn't see blitzes coming in obvious passing situations; he just can't see anything.

I'd be happy about this move if it meant better things for the Bills in the future, but I doubt it. The Bills do not have a good record for hiring coaches in the post 90s era. Here are the Bills' coaches post Marv Levyand their records:

• Wade Phillips 29 wins 19 losses. Decent coaching record , but screwed up majorly by starting Rob Johnson at QB instead of Doug Flutie in the playoffs essentially costing him his job.
• Gregg Williams 17 wins 30 losses. Better defensive co-ordinator than head coach (see Redskins, Washington and Saints, New Orleans). Inexperienced when hired.
• Mike Mularkey 14 wins 18 losses. Mularkey or malarkey? Tight end coach now? Who knows and who cares?

Octogenarian Ralph Wilson had better take some time to hire a new coach and better spend some cash. There are some big names out there like Mike Shanahan, Jon Gruden, Bill Cowher, Mike Holmgren, Tony Dungy. Sure, some of them may not want to coach, but maybe we can have them be a football operations guy like Parcells in Miami. But that won't happen. They'll hire some second rate coach and continue their abysmal stretch until the eventual move to Toronto where they'll win a SuperBowl as the Toronto something or others and I'll hate it.

Finally Some Comeuppance

I couldn't help but feel some joy when Captain America threw a 3 yard pass to Kevin Faulk that Faulk juggled while being pushed back a yard and half on the 4th and 2 play of last night's Monday Night Football game. Faulk was ruled down at the Patriots 28 yard line giving Peyton Manning the ball with 2 minutes left. You may recall that Captain America and the Pats stomach punched me and the rest of the Bills fans on week 1 of the season. Yes, I am petty and spiteful.

It would have felt better if it were the Bills winning the game rather than the Colts, but it seemed appropriate since NBC was calling this game part of the rivalry of the decade. Plus, I've always like Peyton. He is arguably the best quaterback ever. And no, I don't buy the "Brady has more rings" argument as a reason he's better than Manning. Aikman has more rings than Marino, but nobody thinks he's a better QB (well, maybe Taylor, but he's not exactly an objective observer). I also think that Marino was the best QB of his era, SuperBowl wins or not.

As much as I'm glad Captain America didn't stage one of his miraculous comebacks, the loss rests squarely on Bill Bilichick's shoulders. Bilichick is the head coach. It was his call to me and he is viewed by many as the greatest coach working today. Maybe he started to believe his own press. Hubris caught up with him last night.

Bilichick's hubris is well documented. Sure, the press doesn't really call it hubris, but if you look back to the 18-1 (ha! 1) season and even the game against my beloved Bills, Bilichick always makes calls that reek of hubris. Going for it on 4th and 1 twice in a game against the Bills, running up the score in every game during the 2007 season and last night was the exclamation point.

You may not agree with me. You don't have to. But you can't disagree that last night's call was the wrong call and that Bilichick's arrogance (ok, you may not use that word) finally caught up with him.

Thank you Peyton, thank you rookie corner Jerraud Powers and thank you Bilichick's hubris. You made my night and gave me something to write about after a nearly month long absence. Now if only I could find something to say about Kovalev not producing.

Stomach Punch from Captain America

I didn't expect much of the Buffalo Bills this season until midway through last night's game against the hated Captain America and the New England Patriots. The Bills were ahead 14-10 after an interception by Aaron Schoebel. I began to think that win or lose this could be a decent season for the Bills. I also began to think the football Gods would not allow the Pats to win after arrogantly going for it on 4th and 1 at mid field then in Buffalo territory in the first half when conventional wisdom is to punt or take the 3 points.

Fast forward to 5:23 minutes left in the game after the Bills scored again to put them up 24-13 my pal Dino says "there's a scary amount of time left for Brady". It was the one thing I was thinking but didn't want to hear. People remember Buffalo's implosion last year and their previous poor seasons. What they don't remember is they tend to get ahead early then find a way to lose the game. So, knowing Buffalo's history and Captain America's mythical "win the game in dramatic fashion" history, I was sort of ready, or so I thought. I prepared as much as I could for the defeat but when it's Tom f'n Brady and the Pats it hurts no matter how prepared you are.

So the inevitable begins. Captain America leads his team on an 11 play drive to score a touchdown. The Pats go for 2 points, but the pass is intercepted. Maybe, just maybe, the football Gods are mad at the Pats. Then the Pats kick the ball off. Leodis McKelvin catches the ball in the endzone and rather than take a knee, he runs up the middle of the field and proceeds to fumble the ball at the Buffalo 31 yard line. The football Gods wanted you to take the knee, start at the 20 yard line and eat the clock. How freaking hard is that? So the Pats have great field position and the comeback continues.

The Pats went on to win 25-24. Now I like to think I'm ready for the season. A season probably better than most expect but a season with tough losses that the Bills should have hung on to win. I feel like a pugilist using a medicine ball on my gut to toughen it up for stomach punch after stomach punch. I'm ready. Then I remember a Mike Tyson quote. "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face".

Don't You Know Who I Am?

A few months ago a colleague of mine told me two disparate stories of encounters with athletes. The first story involved a couple on vacation at a resort and a wonderful encounter with a super bowl winner. The second involved a couple at a bar in Chicago and an encounter with a dickhead hockey player.

The couple at the resort met a large, long haired man who was nothing but kind. They shared a table, dinner and drinks. The large man and his wife left before the couple. When the couple went to pay for their dinner they found that the large man had paid for them. They asked the server who the man was and the response was Troy Polamalu. They had no idea who he was but had nothing but nice things to say about him.

The next story is of a couple at a bar in Chicago. A young kid is at the bar and asks the couple if they want their picture taken with him. They had no idea who he was and said no. He says "don't you know who I am?" to them. They still say no. He pulls out his blackberry and googles "Patrick Kane". He proceeds to show them a picture of himself and asks "Do you want your picture taken with me now?". No remained the response.

When I first heard these stories I wasn't sure if I should believe them. I believe that Troy Polamalu is an unassuming man and kind (all the interviews I've seen and read support this view). I also believe that certain sports celebrities can be dickheads, so I didn't totally dismiss the Patrick Kane story. But to go as far as taking out your blackberry and googling yourself seemed a bit of a stretch. Then I read this story and I believed every word of the story I heard from my colleague. He even said "Don't you know who I am" to the cabbie!

I've always had a love/hate relationship with sports. I love sports but I generally hate athletes. I hate athletes because I'm not good at sports. But I also hate that they are placed on a pedestal and looked up to from the day they start winning games in high school. They are coddled and given special treatment all of their lives. That's why you get people like Patrick Kane, Donte Stalworth, Kobe Bryant, OJ, Heatley, and others acting the way they do and generally getting away with it. They think they are special because we treat them special. They think they can get away with things because we let them get away with things.

Unfortunately what this does is paint athletes like Troy Polamalu with the same brush as athletes who take what they have for granted. I knew some nice jocks in High School and university. But they were the exception rather than the rule. Most of them were (and likely still are) dickheads like Patrick Kane.

Money - A Follow Up

So a rich man, Donte Stallworth, kills a pedestrian and gets 30 days in jail and a whole bunch of probation. One crime, one victim.

Bernie Madoff steals millions from many and gets 150 years in prison. One crime as well, though I understand there were many charges (one for each victim of his scheme).

This leaves a really sour taste in my mouth. It isn't fair that Madoff gets more jail time than Stallworth. Listen, I think Madoff should be punished, but isn't a crime that results in the death of a person a worse crime than stealing? Shouldn't Stallworth get more jail time for driving drunk and killing a pedestrian than Madoff gets for stealing?

The manhattan judge Chin said he wanted to send a message. The message I'm getting is that stealing money is a worse crime than driving drunk and killing someone.

Money Can't Buy Happiness But It Can Beat a Murder Charge

I've always thought that people who say money can't buy happiness never had any money. Sure, it doesn't guarantee that you'll be happy, but it helps you buy bthings that go a long way to helping you be happy. It can also help to get you out of trouble.

Just last week, Donte Stallworth was found guilty of killing a pedestrian while driving drunk in Florida. Murder in my books, but the state of Florida allowed him to plea down to a charge of manslaughter. Donte (he doesn’t deserve the word Mr.) was sentenced to 30 days in jail and 2 years probation. Yes, 30 days in jail.

30.

Days.

One month for taking a life while driving drunk. Do you think if you were found guilty of taking someone’s life while intoxicated that you would only get 30 days in jail? I doubt you would because you don’t have the kind of money or celebrity status that Donte does.

I’m sure Donte didn’t just throw money at the court to make this all go away, but he did throw a lot of money at a defense team and who knows, maybe he threw a lot of money at the victim's family since they factored into Donte's settlement.

The fact that he was even driving drunk in the first place is beyond me. Just that day, Donte received a $4.5 million roster bonus from the Cleveland Browns. If I had $4.5 million I can assure you I wouldn't be driving my own ass around town, especially if I were out celebrating getting a fat pay cheque. I'd hire the biggest, toughest looking personal driver/bouncer around Florida to get me where I want to go and protect me from myself and drunk fans that like to pick fights with athletes.

Donte's not the first rich guy to get away with murder or other heinous crimes, the following is a list, just off the top of my head:

• OJ


• Michael Jackson


• Ray Lewis


• Ted Kennedy


• William Shatner (look it up. Ok, it's a conspiracy, but I had to do it)

I'm sure I'm missing some easy ones, but I'm lazy right now. That doesn't even include the rich folks that we don't know about, CEOs, Princes, diplomats, etc. This seems to be a recurring issue with people with cash. They can pretty much do whatever they want because they can buy their way out of it.

This all reminds me of an episode of South Park where the kids went to visit Magic Johnson. They found that he slept with his bed full of money. Scientists studied this and discovered that money can cure aids, a $180,000 injection of cash could keep the virus at bay. While this is obviously satire, it's not far from the truth. Money can't buy you happiness, but it cure a lot of problems.

Surprise! Favre Considers Coming Out of Retirement

Wow, didn't see that coming (hey, what font do you use for sarcasm?). In an interview with Joe Buck, Brett Favre says he's considering playing again. According to TSN (I think they stole it from Joe) he's had talks with the Minnesota Vikings and he will know in several weeks whether his surgically repaired arm will allow him to come out of retirement.

I have a few quick thoughts on this:

1. Did this guy even re-retire? I remember the Jets blowing the season. I remember the Jets cutting him. I don't remember a tear stained Brett Favre on a podium talking about how he'll remember all the fond memories (all 16 weeks) of being a Jet. I don't remember Sal Palantonio saying that Brett should be inducted into the Football Hall of Fame as a Jet.
2. Even if he did re-retire, as the great Jack Russell once sang "my, my, my I'm once bitten twice shy" Brett. I'll believe you are retired when we get through more than one full season with you riding your tractor in your tight little shorts, no shirt and red hat with JP Losman staring on longingly (check out these quotes, scroll about three quarters of the page, JP Losman actually said that. I'm glad he's no longer a Bill).
3. Is there a way to repair an arm other than surgically? I suppose an orthopedic cast repairs an arm. Is that surgery? If it isn't, I wouldn't tell they guy applying the cast. You never know what he'd do.

So Brett, just go away, or sign with the Vikings. It really doesn't matter. I realize that you want to play football and that's great. And I'm glad you let Joe Buck and Joe Public know your intentions. But I really want all this to go away. It's summer and I want to fall asleep listening to baseball highlights.