All-Drug Olympics

There was a skit on SNL in the 80s called “All-Drug Olympics”. Essentially, it was an Olympic competition but all the athletes were using steroids. It was funny. The dead weight lifter was lifting an incredible amount of weight and ripped his arms off in the process

Here’s a transcript:

Dennis Miller: In response to what its sponsors claim is an idea whose time has come, the first All-Drug Olympics opened today in Bogota, Columbia. Athletes are allowed to take any substance whatsoever before, after, and even during the competition. So far, 115 world records have been shattered! We go now to correspondent Kevin Nealon, live in Bogota for the Weightlifting Finals. Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Dennis, getting ready to lift now is Sergei Akmudov of the Soviet Union. His trainer has told me that he's taken antibolic steroids, Novacaine, Nyquil, Darvon, and some sort of fish paralyzer. Also, I believe he's had a few cocktails within the last hour or so. All of this is, of course, perfectly legal at the All-Drug Olympics, in fact it's encouraged. Akmudov is getting set now, he's going for a cleaning jerk of over 1500 pounds, which would triple the existing world record. That's an awful lot of weight, Dennis, and here he goes.

[ Kevin steps aside to reveal the steroid-bulked athlete bent over to lift the 1500 lbs. weight. Sergei tightens his grip on the barbells and pulls up, but instead of lifting the weights, his arms are pulled off and blood squirts ferociously out of his pulpy stubs.]

Kevin Nealon: Oh! He pulled his arms off! He's pulled his arms off, that's gotta be disappointing to the big Russian! [ Sergei's trainer wraps a towel around him ] You know, you hate to see something like this happen, Dennis! He probably doesn't have that much pain right now, but I think tomorrow he's really gonna feel that, Dennis! Back to you!

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Kevin. Very nice form on the Russian. Canada, of course, is leading that competition.

Funny stuff to a teenage boy. Mostly because of Phil Hartman's role as Sergei. But what was a satirical response to Ben Johnson has become reality.

A Florida man yesterday claimed to have sold steroids to Washington National and Washington Capitals players. A few weeks ago Manny Ramirez was suspended 50 games for violating MLB’s drug policy. Barry Bonds, Lance Armstrong, Shawn Merriman, the list of professional athletes using or accused of using performance enhancing drugs goes on and on. We are in the all-drug Olympics era and I don’t care.

We expect our athletes to be superhuman. We expect them to perform at the highest level or higher all the time. So I say let them take performance enhancing drugs. If one person is taking performance enhancing drugs it isn't fair. If everyone is doping then it is.

People point to Barry Bonds’ home run record and say it's tainted. Well it's not. Don’t you think the pitchers were on performance enhancing drugs too? Andy Pettitte was and Roger Clemens probably was. So doesn’t that make the playing field level?

I’m tired of it all and frankly I’m not surprised when new names of athletes using performance enhancing drugs are released. I’m surprised that it’s still news.