Easy Target

These were the top two headlines for the Report on Business Section on the front page of theglobeandmail.com when I checked in after lunch on Tuesday:

• BMO profit rises to $557-million; and


• Number of EI recipients rises in June.

BMO's profits are up 6.9% from a year ago and have more than recovered from a drop that began in the fall. In contrast, there has been a 73% increase in EI recipients over the past year, the largest annual gain since the early 1980s.

Thank God the banks are doing well. I was really worried about them.

I know banks are easy targets and the goal in a capitalist society is to increase profits, but to see bank profits rise while more people are on pogie really irks me. Especially given the ridiculous fees banks charge their customers for the right to access their own money. There was a time when banks earned money by lending the money you kept in your account with them. Their profits were based on interest rates. Now banks make money charging you $10 a month for an account plus $1.50 per transaction at ABMs, Interact machines, etc. and even more if you go to the wrong bank.

They used to say there are two guarantees in life; death and taxes. I submit there are three; death, taxes and banks making money.

Whatever Happened to Customer Service?

I've spent the past week plus trying to get my wireless smart phone up and running. Most of the trouble I've had can be traced to my service provider. I won't name them, but they provide me with my cable, Internet and wireless service. The astute among you will be able to figure it out.

The story begins on July 25, 2008, the day my cell phone stopped working. I had a Motorola Razor and I was quite happy with it. But all of a sudden, the screen stopped working. It just stayed black. While I could still use the phone to call people, I had no idea how to call people since most of my contact list is not committed to memory. So I had to replace the phone.

This all happened at the time when the IPhone was released so I thought I'd try my hand at one of those spiffy devices. My friend had one and I liked it a lot. I was due for an upgrade through my service provider and asked about the potential of getting the IPhone and the right to pay my service provider an extra $30 per month for a data plan.

"You're on the corporate plan." says the service rep.

"Oh yea," I say, "well I don't work for that employer any more, but whatever."

"Well," says the rep "because you are on the corporate plan you can't get the IPhone for the stated price. You have to pay $699."

"Then take me off the corporate plan." I say.

"Well, then it's like you are starting a new plan and aren't eligible for an upgrade and you'd still have to pay $699." says the rep.

"What?" I ask. "You mean that some homeless guy off the street can get the IPhone for $199 or whatever and I can't?"

"Um, yea."

At this point I'm getting frustrated. "What is the benefit of the corporate plan?" I ask.

"You get a better voice plan." says the rep.

I settle for another Razor. It had treated me well and I wasn't in the mood to fight with some guy that had little power or desire to help me anyhow. The phone cost me $20 and a 3 year commitment. Fast forward 1 year plus 1 week or so later and my Razor dies again. Same problem.

"I'm going to the service provider today and they are giving me a free phone and they are not making me sign an extended contract." I proudly proclaimed to my colleague. So I traipse down to my service providers' nearest location and ask for a free phone. Of course I get a lot of resistance, even though I've been a customer for 10 years and pay them more than $200 a month. After much back and forth I learn that they can do nothing for me unless I sign up for another 3 year plan. I can get a free phone if I want.

"But the phone is only a year old." I complain.

"Yea, but the warranty expired last week." is the response. At this point that I'm upset, but I can see there is no sense in arguing with this guy. Again, he has no power and he doesn't care. He's more interested in the girls walking down the street that he can see through the window. So, I settle for a free phone with the shortest contract commitment possible (which also happened to be the longest; 3 years).

I had the phone about 18 hours when I decided it was not the phone for me. I don't have a land line and since I use it all the time, I figured I should like my phone a lot. I convinced myself it was time to upgrade to a smart phone. So I go back to the service provider to see if the IPhone deals are any better for me since they have a $99 price point now. I knew I would get the same story, because I'm still on the corporate plan, but didn't see any harm in trying. So, I ask if I get can the IPhone for $99.

"Of course." replies the rep. "You should too. You'll love it." So he starts the process of setting me up on the IPhone. He's going through the system, typing away and asking me questions. I'm starting to think this is going to work. All of a sudden he makes a funny sound like he's not sure what's going on.

"Oh" he says, "you're on the corporate plan." He then explains that the cost 0f the IPhone for me is now $400 (a nice drop from $699). I ask about the Blackberry and they are roughly the same price. Essentially, I have to pay $300 more for an IPhone or $100 more for a Blackberry than somebody they have no history with. I even say this and he doesn't seem to care too much.

I ask again, "what is the benefit of being on this corporate plan?"

"Well, you own the phone." was the response this time. Now I've been a client of this service provider for some time and so is half of Ontario (or more). Everyone that buys a phone and signs up for a contract owns the phone. I explain this and the guy just looks at me like I explained the Pythagorean theorem to him in Mandarin.

"OK, get me off the corporate plan!" I demand.

"Sure." he says. He goes through the motions of taking me off the plan but stops.

"Um, you know the price of the phones won't change for you because we don't have any history of you.". I had heard this the previous year.

"OK, then cancel my plan altogether, I'm going somewhere else." I say thinking I'll trick them into bending over for me and pleasing the customer.

"Sure." he says, "but you'll have to pay us $20 for every month you committed too and didn't honour, about $460."

I'm losing my will to fight at this point.

"Fine." I say, "Keep me on the corporate plan and get me a Blackberry."

I decided to bend over, drop my pants and pay the extra $100 for the Blackberry. I chose the Blackberry because my employer does not support the IPhone and I wouldn't be able to receive work related messages. In retrospect this doesn't seem like the most logical decision making process. Do I really want work related e-mail messages?

"We don't have the model you want in stock today." he says. "But it will be here tomorrow. We'll set you up on a loaner phone and get you into the Blackberry tomorrow night."

I go to my IT department to make sure the model I'm getting is kosher with the network and all that jazz. They tell me I need to make sure I'm on the enterprise data plan and not the Internet data plan. I ask if they will know what I'm referring to and they assure me this happens all the time and my service provider should be well aware of the enterprise data plan.

So I go back to the service provider's location and I tell the rep that I need to be on an enterprise data plan, not the ordinary Internet data plan. I get the same blank look as the night before (remember, Pythagorean + Mandarin = dumb).

"There are two types of plans." I explain. "My employer only supports one. So if I want to get my work e-mail, I need the enterprise plan."

"All of our plans support enterprise." is the response. In fact, the rep went on to say "We're not (insert name of competition here)." He was being very indignant about the competition and bragging about his employer. He could tell I wasn't buying it and apologized. So he signs me up for a data plan.

I go to work the next day and install the necessary software and passwords so I can get my work e-mail linked with the Blackberry but it doesn't work. "You have the Internet data plan." my IT colleague tells me.

"Of course I do." I say. At this point I'm not surprised at all. I call the service provider to have the plan changed. I was on a 750MB a month plan, with no charge for overages for the first two months and an option to upgrade to 6GB per month for $30.

"You can't have the plan you initially purchased on the enterprise package." the service provider tells me. "Your choices are 7MB per month for $40 or 1GB per month for $45." "Also, you need to change your voice plan and addons like voicemail and texting." Essentially, my wireless bill is going up by $50 instead of the estimated $30 because of this corporate plan.

"OK, fine." I say. I'm getting used to being screwed over by now. "But wait, you mean 700MB per month right?"

"No, it is 7MB or 1GB for an extra $5." she says, which leaves me wondering who would get a 7MB data plan.

"OK, gimme the 1GB. And by the way, what is the benefit of this corporate plan again?"

"I don't know." This was the first honest answer I've had from any representative of the service provider.

My phone is working now, but I feel like Jody Foster in The Accused and I'm left with the following questions:

1. When did big companies stop caring about their customers? I have been a customer of theirs for 10 years and spend over $200 a month and they couldn't give me one damn free phone. I'd have settled for any piece of crap that dials and rings when its called (at first anyway).
   
2. Why don't the service reps know what they are talking about? They thought I could get an IPhone at a normal price and couldn't. They didn't know about the enterprise vs Internet data plan issue even after I told them about it.
3. Why do they offer these special plans that just cost you more money? I save $10 a month on a voice plan but have to pay $15 a month more for data, plus more for texting and voicemail, and $100 more for hardware. Hardly seems like a deal to me.

I've spoken to many friends and colleagues who are having the same issues their service providers. Even the service providers with different names have the same lack of service. Until Canada gets a real competitive market in telecommunications everyone better stock up on KY jelly.

Sometimes I Hate Grand Lake

Ok, the title isn't entirely true. I love Grand Lake, always. But when I was there last on vacation I saw many things that really grind my gears (technically many things, but one general thing in many forms).

If you've read my blog before you know that I like to think I'm environmentally friendly. Grand Lake is one of those places that make you want to be environmentally friendly. You have a huge beautiful lake, a picturesque back lake, plenty of forest, and even a family of osprey. My girlfriend even saw a deer during one of her bike rides.

I brought my bike with me to Grand Lake to 1) burn off Nana's cookies, cakes and pies and 2) to take in the sights. However I was just a few feet past the camps (their camps in NB, not cottages) and getting into the less populated area of the ride when I saw the first thing that upset me; a Tim Horton's cup. "It's alright", I think. It's just one litterer, or maybe a careless truck driver who's garbage flew out of the truck bed. Then, not even one full pedal of the bike later I see an empty box of Alpine, then a can of Alpine, then a pillow (a pillow!?!), then another Tim Horton's cup. It went on and on and on. The side of the road is littered with litter. It was like watching that episode of Mad Men when they just threw their garbage anywhere while on picnic.

Come on people of Grand Lake. It isn't that hard to find a garbage can. There's one just a few kilometres away in Douglas Harbour. You're ruining what is a beautiful part of the province. In fact, prior to re-branding NB's slogan to "Be...in this place" NB used to be the "Picture Province".

It's no surprise that given this lack of eco-friendliness that the area of the lake that was public (actually privately owned, but generously available for public use) is no longer. The owner decided that they didn't want to put up with the filth that people leave behind (even diapers). It's also no surprise that people ignore the no trespassing signs and continue to use the beach and litter. I implore you NBers and Grand Lakers, stop littering. You're really messing up my bike ride and picture taking. Maybe you think that you alone can't stop garbage from piling up. Well if everyone thought that way we'd end up with a big garbage island somewhere in the Pacific twice the size of Texas. Wait, what? We have one?

What Does It Take to Fire a Guy

I'm delving into uncharted territory here. I'm going to discuss something I know little about and I'm admitting it.

Alex Rios was claimed off waivers by the Chicago White Sox today essentially taking him off the books of the Blow Jerks and saving them $60 gazillion dollars or something like that.

I'm no fan of the Blow Jerks or boreball but I casually follow it (read I watch the Toronto Sports Network and have to follow it). So this JP Ricciardi guy has been managing the Blow Jerks for some time now and was supposed to bring in moneyball (some sort of state lottery I think). Rather he brought in spend money and drop ball.

According to some blogger on the Toronto Sports Network he wasted money on Frank Thomas, BJ Ryan, AJ Burnett, Vernon Wells, and now is losing Alex "His name is Rios and he dances in the sand" for nothing. How do you lose a player who is under contract for nothing these days? Couldn't they at least have traded him for Ozzie Guillen's goatee or a hat?

Maybe the better question is how is it that Ricciardi still has a job in Toronto?

Don't You Know Who I Am?

A few months ago a colleague of mine told me two disparate stories of encounters with athletes. The first story involved a couple on vacation at a resort and a wonderful encounter with a super bowl winner. The second involved a couple at a bar in Chicago and an encounter with a dickhead hockey player.

The couple at the resort met a large, long haired man who was nothing but kind. They shared a table, dinner and drinks. The large man and his wife left before the couple. When the couple went to pay for their dinner they found that the large man had paid for them. They asked the server who the man was and the response was Troy Polamalu. They had no idea who he was but had nothing but nice things to say about him.

The next story is of a couple at a bar in Chicago. A young kid is at the bar and asks the couple if they want their picture taken with him. They had no idea who he was and said no. He says "don't you know who I am?" to them. They still say no. He pulls out his blackberry and googles "Patrick Kane". He proceeds to show them a picture of himself and asks "Do you want your picture taken with me now?". No remained the response.

When I first heard these stories I wasn't sure if I should believe them. I believe that Troy Polamalu is an unassuming man and kind (all the interviews I've seen and read support this view). I also believe that certain sports celebrities can be dickheads, so I didn't totally dismiss the Patrick Kane story. But to go as far as taking out your blackberry and googling yourself seemed a bit of a stretch. Then I read this story and I believed every word of the story I heard from my colleague. He even said "Don't you know who I am" to the cabbie!

I've always had a love/hate relationship with sports. I love sports but I generally hate athletes. I hate athletes because I'm not good at sports. But I also hate that they are placed on a pedestal and looked up to from the day they start winning games in high school. They are coddled and given special treatment all of their lives. That's why you get people like Patrick Kane, Donte Stalworth, Kobe Bryant, OJ, Heatley, and others acting the way they do and generally getting away with it. They think they are special because we treat them special. They think they can get away with things because we let them get away with things.

Unfortunately what this does is paint athletes like Troy Polamalu with the same brush as athletes who take what they have for granted. I knew some nice jocks in High School and university. But they were the exception rather than the rule. Most of them were (and likely still are) dickheads like Patrick Kane.